Madeleine McCann

The Madeleine McCann case has been unique. 

‘Abduction’ has frequently been claimed by parents of young children when it later turns out that the child has died and the parents are responsible, whether the child has died as the result of an accident, negligence, neglect or deliberate act.

It is important that the media are able to engage in reasonable and fair discussion of the weaknesses of any particular claim of abduction, without fearing the consequences of a possible expensive libel action. 


Once upon a time there was a sleepy little village on the coast of Portugal called Praia da Luz. Nowadays it is not quite so sleepy.

Anyway ….. when it was sleepy, a little three year old child went missing from her bedroom whilst her parents were dining at a restaurant quite nearby.

When I say that the restaurant was quite nearby …… it really wasn’t quite that nearby at all …… but her parents said that it was nearby and it was just like having dinner at the bottom of their garden at home.

Which of course it wasn’t …….. but the parents kept saying it was ….. And who were the police and public to argue the toss with them?

The parents also said that they had been informed (by whom?) that it was well within the boundaries of responsible parenting to leave very young children unattended ……. This has yet to be established …….but a great many people all around the World decided most emphatically that it wasn’t responsible parenting at all. But the parents and their spokesman said that it was. Indeed their spokesman said that it was a very British thing to do. So that was that.

Even the police could not get clear information about the parents and their holiday pals last movements ……..

And so it came to pass that any of the information received from the parents and their holiday pals about their their holiday stay was at its best vague and incomplete ………

Terribly vague and incomplete ……… The proof of which lies in the facts that some questions were never answered at all and some questions had to be addressed again. And nothing came to pass. Yet.


23 responses to “Madeleine McCann

  1. Coco

    Before I wish everybody a happy, healthy and wealthy New Year – I want to point out that I am only too aware that many of you are about to be made bankrupt or homeless this year – and I feel your pain.

    Even before I say that I hope all of your dreams will come true this year of all years – I want you to know that sadly there are just not enough kidney donors and heart donors for that to happen ……..

    I am so sad to say to all of you on those dreadful waiting-lists – just praying for that call to come through ……. that cars just don’t crumple into dust on the motorways anymore …….. meaning there are even fewer chances of having organ transplants.

    As for all the recent changes in health and safety laws – well – they have put paid to ever grabbing an organ from a major industrial accident haven’t they? ……. Unless you live somewhere near a mining community in China.

    By the way – for all you singles whose married men and women promised to leave their wives and husbands for you before Christmas ….. well ….. it ain’t ever gonna happen!

    But to all the smug bastards who totter along life’s path without a care in the World – I say ……… errrrr ……. Happy New Year – you smug bastards!

    Anyway – on a much lighter note ….. Has anybody booked a holiday abroad this year? In Portugal by any chance?

    The reason I ask this – is because I want to warn you all about the chances of one of your children being snatched and taken from their bed. Actually, it’s virtually zilch – unless you live on the African or Indian continents of course! Because sometimes children are rounded up by the hundreds and carted off in trucks …… Sometimes by well-meaning charities ……. but sometimes for errrr …… slavery.

    Anyway …….. we have had children going missing all the time and all over the World since time immemorial ……. Usually, they have maybe just stopped off at a friend’s house to play on their play-station …… or it’s their child-like way of trying to tell their Mum that they don’t get on with their new step-dad and they want her to get rid of him because he hogs the TV set ………. Or maybe it’s because he dresses up like a Nazi – or Moll Flanders when she’s out at work ….. but anyway ……. kids go missing for all sorts of reasons.

    However, sometimes ……. sometimes there is a sad or horrible twist to the disappearance.

    For instance ….. last year a child went missing in the strangest of circumstances. Circumstances so strange and peculiar that there has never been such news coverage or people chatting on web-sites.

    Not even in the Ramsay case in the United States.

    Indeed some UK newspaper editors were even forced to stop printing stories about this little girl’s case because the parents could not bear to see such full-on news coverage any longer …….. The coverage that they begged for became too much ……. Especially when some perceptive journalists started to put two and two together and came up with four …….. which was absolutely correct. And not five as some Old Wives would have us believe.

    What self-deprecating parents! For them to beg the newspapers to stop putting their daughter on the front pages of their papers every day when they were so desperate to find her………. Hey! My hat is off to them.

    Come on you guys …. Let’s give them a hand for their humility.

    I must admit that I am somewhat puzzled by the fact that they then tell the Press to bog off ……. but then want us to go to their personal web-site and print off a copy of a poster to take on holiday with us ……. When they don’t want front page news? …….. Mmmmm ……

    And then ……. one by one ……. all the UK newspapers started to close down their web-sites about this little girl …… so that nobody could comment on her whereabouts or discuss the information that was in the World’s Press. Mmmmmmm.

    One day there was flurry of activity and all the Press in all the lands were about to be squashed like flies. Some grey men with grey faces in grey suits decided that enough was enough. No longer would anybody with internet access write down their thoughts and feelings about anything to do with anything ever again unless it was moderated and poked about with an edit-stick ….. because of ………. LIBEL.

    LIBEL …….. A disease that spreads everywhere apparently – but does not actually mean anything in the Grand Scheme, because we will all soon be dead and nobody will give a flying fig about us and what we did anyway! And even if they do – who cares? Get back on the internet and defend your corner …… like Calzaghe.

    However – because it may stop some topless model becoming an A-list actress – or prevent some lawyer earning a crust because somebody thinks he’s a dodgy toad and untrustworthy – we have to invent even more laws to stop us all having lies told about us.

    What? Like a bank-manager who lends us something he hasn’t got?

    What? like a Prime Minister who takes us off to War because some bloke who ”committed suicide” told us that in a far-off land some students were mucking about with some home-made Weapons of Mass Destruction at the back of a barn near a beach – but that the WMD could be with us as quick as email?

    What? Like a President who may or may not have had his knob sucked by an overweight tart who suddenly produces a frock from the back of a wardrobe that she somehow forgot to dry-clean ages ago – even though there were certain types of bodily fluids all over it?

    Oh right! LIBEL!

    From now on – any utterance about anybody who was thought to be somebody – who in actual fact was a nobody – may not actually be mentioned on the internet. Ever.

    Unless of course it was about somebody who was nobody who didn’t have a pot to piss in …… Because the poor have no right to redress ……. because they can’t afford a lawyer and the State will not afford them one to defend their honour.

    Without the small child who went missing in Portugal last year and without some bloke who went to a private party to do private things where Nazi costumes were worn by some people who were not Nazis and did not behave like Nazis and are obviously not Nazis …… I do not think that we would be quite as aware of what all these libel laws are really about.

    I hereby declare that I smoke and drink and have had sex with people of the opposite sex. Sometimes I talk bollox and print tripe. I also admit that in the distant past I have shop-lifted when the staff were too lazy to look after me whilst shopping in their establishments – and would continue to do so were it not for Amazon and ebay delivering straight to my door so that I don’t need to go out shopping.

    I also wish to declare that I have taken various drugs in the past and feel that I am a far wiser and much more creative person for it ….. and that I have never harmed anybody …… well ….. not seriously ……. and if I have ….. they should not have got in my way!

    These are some lyrics from a song that I have written about LIBEL

    ”Come libel me! …… Come libel me! …… Let’s fly away ………..

    On the proceeds of the libel –

    And I swear upon my Bible …… that I am a gooooood gel Oi aaam!”

    If Sony want to hear my CD – get in touch with Anna Raccoon!

    I was in the bath whilst recording – so it sounds like Angels cooing to each other – but it’s just me on my own at that moment. If you think you can hear any backing singers – it’s just my cat having a hissy-fit when I pushed him off the radiator – he was lying on my towel!

    If Sting and Elton John are interested in doing a recording – I have to say that I am offering it to the Killers and Elbow first!

    Coco’s views on the record.

  2. Châtelaine

    Hi Coco! Are you out there?

  3. Anna Raccoon

    Hang on, I’ll just give her a shout, she’s on the phone, be with you in a minute.

  4. Châtelaine

    Anna, you’re a sweetie 😉

  5. Châtelaine

    I’m afraid my sniffer dogs and I have to go to sleep [not necessarily together and in the same order].
    It’s been a great pleasure to meet you here today.
    Have a good night and sleep tight 🙂

  6. Saul

    Right you cloth eared bint. When I say where were you last night? That means don’t fuck off and leave me alone again. I don’t give a shit if there is a quiz on, the main question is, where are your kids? It’s not a tie breaker question, it’s get your arse over here and take care of me!

  7. coco

    Night night Chatelaine. See you tomorrow if you have gone.

  8. Saul

    A bit late now! I got my finger caught in the pushchair.

  9. coco

    I strapped you in properly then ……….

  10. Saul

    I’m going to bed now. I will try to stay quiet, have you got a mobile number in case I get a bit frightened?

  11. Saul

    As usual, I’m sweeping up here as well……


  12. Saul

    Hmm, must speak to Anna.

  13. coco

    Saul …… You know I never take my mobile out …….. I leave it on the table in front of the open French windows with the Gucci watch that I never wear ……..

  14. coco

    Madame Chatelaine, Annaraccoon and Saul – I want you to know I am with you all in Spirit ….. and will be in and out like an errrrr …… Tapas baby-sitter in Portugal …… 😆

    Don’t think that I have retired to my bed ….. Should be on and off ’til midnightish ……..

    The Times have given me the same deadline as the bloody Telegraph and I got behind whilst reading my copy of the best-seller book called ”What really happened to Madeleine McCann?” by Tony Bennet MA.

    It’s a reet rivetting read …… and Agatha Christie could have learned much from this ……. I am putting it next to all my CEOPS manuals …….

    Saul – Do you need a new CEOPS manual to keep next to your bed for a bit of light reading?

    I will leave one on your pillow later – and don’t dribble on it!

    Psssst! Don’t mention where you got it from …… They are like hen’s teeth ……

  15. coco

    So come on then! Where is Chatelaine and Saul and Montaillou?

    I am sat gere like a three year old child all alone in a darkened room on the coast of Portugal!

    And I cried last night …… And nobody bloody well came to see me …….

    Actually …… I made that bit up ….. just in case I was questioned at a later date ……. because I was concerned that one of the neighbours may have heard some shenannigans …….

  16. Saul

    Good news. There were two Teletubbies and one Balymory question, So next time you can come along.

  17. coco

    On a serious note Guys …… I stole some lollipops in Portugal and I think I need a good extradition lawyer …..

    Can somebody please recommend anybody?

  18. Saul

    Sorry, the guy I know specialises in sherbert Dib Dabs.

  19. Ann Arachnid

    I just dib-dabbed in on the offchance of some Smaul-talk, but it looks like there’s a legalese lolly-off in full swing and I’m out of my depth on any serious topic .. (hideous spidoid creature retreats into a gossamer corner, waving the occasional hairy leg)

  20. Saul

    Who’s that in the spangly lycra? A sherbert fountain of fun.

  21. Ann Arachnid


    And that’s just when I sling my teeth into the glass…

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